If a person ranked the importance of their relationships, likely partner, family and friends would be at the top. However, when taking a weighted ranking based on time spent with a person, a work boss will likely take the #1 or 2 spots.
It is not uncommon for someone to spend more hours per week with their boss over their own partner.
People undervalue the importance of having a great boss when choosing a new job. Compensation, company reputation and scope of role take precedence. The quote, “People don’t leave jobs, please leave bosses,” tends to hold true. Unfortunately, companies do not adequately train people to be great bosses.
Companies tend to focus trainings on workplace harassment, inclusion and unconscious biases. These are important, but actual training on how to be a manager people want to work for, is lacking.
Often, a company wanting to promote a high performing individual can only do so by making them a manager. But being a proficient individual contributor does not translate to rock star manager. Many learn to be a manager on the go, sometimes at the expense of their employees.
But why should you care?
Unlike the other relationships in our lives, a manager-employee relationship is a lopsided hierarchical relationship. The manager controls his/her employees’ compensation and career.
Your patient may find themselves agonizing over how their boss perceives them, constantly crafting their words in their boss’s presence.
Praises such as “great job at that presentation” will light up an employees day, while a “That didn’t go as well I hoped” can completely bring it down.
As a result of the lopsided power structure of this relationship, many feel the need to always be “on call” for emails or messages from their boss. To drop everything that they are doing (including pausing events with family/friends that people claim are the most important relationships in their lives) and maintain a perception of dependability and competency.
Your patient may have the perfect family and lifestyle, but their 9-5pm can completely consume their mental health. A toxic relationship with a boss usually seeps in to the home life, where pent up anger and stress can boil over at home.
Advice to consider during sessions.
It is not uncommon for someone to spend more hours per week with their boss over their own partner.
People undervalue the importance of having a great boss when choosing a new job. Compensation, company reputation and scope of role take precedence. The quote, “People don’t leave jobs, please leave bosses,” tends to hold true. Unfortunately, companies do not adequately train people to be great bosses.
Companies tend to focus trainings on workplace harassment, inclusion and unconscious biases. These are important, but actual training on how to be a manager people want to work for, is lacking.
Often, a company wanting to promote a high performing individual can only do so by making them a manager. But being a proficient individual contributor does not translate to rock star manager. Many learn to be a manager on the go, sometimes at the expense of their employees.
But why should you care?
Unlike the other relationships in our lives, a manager-employee relationship is a lopsided hierarchical relationship. The manager controls his/her employees’ compensation and career.
Your patient may find themselves agonizing over how their boss perceives them, constantly crafting their words in their boss’s presence.
Praises such as “great job at that presentation” will light up an employees day, while a “That didn’t go as well I hoped” can completely bring it down.
As a result of the lopsided power structure of this relationship, many feel the need to always be “on call” for emails or messages from their boss. To drop everything that they are doing (including pausing events with family/friends that people claim are the most important relationships in their lives) and maintain a perception of dependability and competency.
Your patient may have the perfect family and lifestyle, but their 9-5pm can completely consume their mental health. A toxic relationship with a boss usually seeps in to the home life, where pent up anger and stress can boil over at home.
Advice to consider during sessions.
- Remind them of the benefit of investing time on improving a relationship with a boss. Ignoring the situation and just labeling their boss as difficult and crazy is not wise given the number of hours they spend with this person per week.
- Remind your patient to focus on the holistic relationship with their boss, instead of referencing the most recent event as the barometer of their performance. For example, if someone received great marks on their annual review, a recent mishap is just a recent mishap.
- Many bosses crave feedback and honesty from their employees. Sometimes they aren’t comfortable with the power they have over employees and worry whether their team is happy. Start with light, genuine praise such as, ”That time when you gave me feedback about speaking too fast at presentations. Thanks!. I’ve been working on it and have already received positive feedback.”
- Have them be comfortable with their peers that report to the same boss. Avoiding gossip as much as possible, peers can offer great tips on a boss’s working style, especially veteran employees.
- Take it as a learning experience. The patient will one day manage people and can learn from this experience while being in the shoes of a boss's report today.
- Avoid a 100% transactional relationship. They should establish a more personable relationship by asking about their boss’s kids/hobbies or even allowing them to vent to your patient. Building trust will get the employee comfortable and less likely be in situations where they have to guess how their boss thinks about them.
- Remind them to not be afraid to ask for help when stuck. The key to this is to propose all the work/research they’ve done so far and remaining open questions. Your boss will appreciate the collaboration and may have information/context that they may have never had unless they asked.
- Advise them to improve skills on managing up. A boss/employee relationship is 2-way. Both parties need to make an effort for success. Seeking mentors at the workplace can help here.